gaiamemories

I would like first of all to thank you for the chance you have given me to detach myself from my current home world. The timing was strangely appropriate, seeing as I was going through a considerable amount of distress no later than a couple days ago. Although I have yet to wrap my head around such novel situation that many people in my universe would describe as outwordly, my current state of mind allows me to acknowledge that your offer is, indeed, a reality that I must accept, as well as an opening for myself to recover from my recent fallout. It may be a cowardly way out of my troubles, and I know that I am indeed running away, but I find myself in dire need of a break. I cannot predict what may happen if I remained alone with my thoughts any longer.

I have believed, for many years, that I do not belong anywhere in my world. Ever since my parents died in a house fire when I was still a child, I felt utterly disconnected from the people around me. My time at the orphanage was not unpleasant, but I could not form any bond with the other children or the staff members. The scars on my body had been object of derision and bullying in middle school. It was only by the time I was enrolled at Yamaku, a high school for disabled children, that I met a pair of friends that I quickly got attached to. In retrospect, the way it all happened was pathetic on my part, but I digress. What matters is that I considered them the most important people in my life, a source of happiness I had desperately searched for in so long. They were more precious than anything else, even my own existence.

However, because of so many factors, I had a horrible fallout with them. I could no longer stand the way they treated me, as if I was a helpless child who always needed protection and watching. If there is something I hate more than anything is the fact that people see me as a weakling, a poor thing, because of my scars, and because of my mental illness. I have struggled with it for most of my life and I cannot tolerate it when people undo all my efforts so they could pity me and feel better about themselves when they manage to "help" me. None of them see me as someone who is their equal, as a person just like them, and I hate it.

... I apologize for the rant, but I hope you understand where I am coming from. I shouted all my hatred towards my friends, and closed my heart for good. It was painful, and I regret it now that I am in a calmer state, but it is too late to fix what was destroyed and I still feel resentment towards them. Because I have burned the only connection I had with other people, I feel as if there is no saving me from the hole I have dug myself into. But I do not want to give up. I want to be able to reconcile and give them another chance. I want to graduate from my school and find a fulfilling future for myself. I want to be stronger. And I cannot do any of these things in my current conditions. I must spend time somewhere, far away from home, away from my former friends and anything else that could cause me further distress.

Perhaps I could, at last, form new and meaningful bonds with the people from worlds that are different from mine. It is a wild guess that has no proof of being true, but all the same, I am taking every possibility in account. Only time can tell if I made the right decision.

Again, thank you so much for the opportunity. Hopefully I have presented my reasons in a manner that will have me accepted here.

With my best regards,

池沢 華子